The Recurring Memory

Today Daily Page asked me: You lay there in bed and toss and turn and can't fall asleep.  All you can think about is...

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I woke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, feeling afraid. My dream, it was more like a memory from another lifetime. A past life.  I didn't recognize the faces, but I did recognize the souls. My current lover and I were dancing onstage together. We've been lovers before.

We swirled, pranced, twirled and leapt across the stage in unison. He vigorously lifted me above, with his solid capable arms and I soared. Steadily, he swept me through the air like a swan in flight.  As I descended, falling into him, he held me firmly and I gasped. While the curtains swooped down in front of us, he pressed his lips into mine, urgently, as if he believed I would disappear into thin air any second.

And I slapped his face. Hard.

He was fuming. I could see the violent rage in his sparkling blue eyes. There was a time I would have cowered and shied away from that angry face. This time, instead, I stood tall and held my chin up.

"I don't belong to you anymore, Thomas."

"Stop! It's HIM. You want HIM. I won't have this!"

He was much too close. Those eyes, they were flaming. My hands began to sweat. This was so familiar. Not again.

"Please Thomas, I beg..." He seized my hand, so fiercely, so quickly. I stumbled.

"Thomas!" I wrestled free and bolted away from him. I ran swiftly backstage to where the other dancers were waiting patiently for the cast party to begin. He did not follow me.

Nervously, I chatted with the others.

"Emma, why do you look so tense? It's done! You and Thomas were brilliant as always. Come, have a drink!"

I was feeling anxious. I considered that maybe a drink would help soothe my nerves, but something in my gut warned me to keep my wits about me, so I politely refused.

And then suddenly, I was in another place.  I recognized the burgundy curtains and the broken cuckoo clock on the wall. Thomas's bedroom. We were snuggled together, content in each other's arms after a steamy, passionate rumble in the sheets. I remember this. I remember this like it was just yesterday, and not 2 lifetimes ago. Why is this so familiar?

And again, this time like a flash of lightening, the scene changed. My stomach lurched. I knew what was about to happen. I felt ill and I began to tremble. My knees were weak. I remember this.

I remembered and I was petrified.

Thomas was screaming at me. His breath reeked of bourbon. He towered over me and falsely accused me of entertaining another lover. Jealous again. He had a bloodthirsty look in his eyes, I was so afraid. I was glued to the spot where I stood, and I shook like a tree in a relentless monsoon. I ceased to hear anything he shrieked at me. My heart thudded in my chest. My ears roared.

And then he hit me.

I'm not even sure I felt it. I don't remember feeling anything after that, until he gripped his tenacious hands around my throat. "Andrew" I whispered. And my world turned black.

As I bolted upright, I realized it was just a dream. No, not a dream. A memory. I am Emma. My lover, Andrew, is Thomas. I tossed and turned the rest of the night. I knew I had to end this affair. I had been granted the chance to change my fate. What kept me up the whole night through, was wondering if I had the strength to do so.

I must end this, I said aloud. My very life depends on it.

And so I did.